Ever since the tender age of 12 the two things I’ve loved more than anything in this world, the only two constants in my life for the past 25 years, have been sex and skateboarding. I don’t claim to be very good at either, but after writing about both exclusively for more than 15 years I’ve become somewhat of an authority on the matters and I’ve always said the similarities between skateboarding and the porn world are uncanny. Here’s a short list of some of the most obvious comparisons that barely scratches the surface:
1. No one uses their real name. Try calling 411 and asking for Lizard King’s or Belladonna’s home number.
2. Bang bus/tour van; same difference. Equally creepy.
3. If you’re ever gonna make it, you better be able to throw down backside tailslides on command.
4. If either a skater or a porn star puts in a real hard day at work today, chances are they’re going to see the doctor tomorrow.
5. Neither industry offers their risk-taking spokespeople health insurance.
6. Both worlds eat ’em alive and spit them out young and prefer their stars “barely legal.”
7. You’re a veteran/cougar before you turn 30. The movie The Wrestler could have just as easily been about a pro skater or a porn star.
8. Red Tube/Hellaclips. The consumption level of fans of both worlds is beyond gluttonous. Content must be constantly sacrificed to please the interweb gods.
9. No footage=no fans. No longer can you be an aloof star. There’s another young buck/fuck right behind you waiting to take your place, so you better film some tricks.
10. The amount of money some skaters/porn stars make would make a hard-working, 90-hour-a-week construction worker jump off the bridge he’s building. Yes, there are 20-year-old millionaires who’re are paid simply to skate/fuck.
11. By the same token, the high-paid Tony Hawks/Jenna Jamesons are the one percenters. The majority of porn “star” and skateboarding “athletes” are barley getting by.
12. In skateboarding the most prestigious award is Thrasher’s Skater of the Award, or SOTY. I recently learned that in porn they have a similar acronym, POTY, for Performer of the Year.
13. Lastly, go big or go home. Both activities are getting so death-defying in their extreme feats that I fear someone is going to get killed or maimed in the near future. In skateboarding an 18-year-old named Nyjah Huston is jumping down sets of stairs the size of Mt. Everest, falling on his face, and getting up and going again. Just yesterday I saw one woman on the internet take four penises in her single butthole and another German woman who truly, truly loves eating feces during sex. The bar has been raised to where I don’t know if it can be topped.